How It All Started

I was in the car, riding home from visiting my grandfather in the hospital when I blurted out to my cousin that I was applying for a Fulbright. It was the first time I had said those words aloud or even given an indication that I was doubting the path I had begun down. It was seemingly completely random–we had been talking about radio stations in Rhode Island–but I couldn’t wait another moment to tell someone. I needed to tell her simply because I thought it would make it real. I felt I was exposing the doubts I had in the path I had thought was the only one for me, and opening up the door to possibilities I don’t think many people had considered for me.

: With the grandfather in question

Why did I apply?

When I first started my application, the answer came easily: because it would change my life and allow me to give back. These days, the answer doesn’t come quite that quick.

Cornell was a dream for me. I was incredibly happy there, so leaving a place that had been a dream-come-true was difficult. After I graduated, I felt unhappy and unsettled. That would’ve been true no matter what I pursued, but it was exacerbated because I was able to easily compare myself to my peers, who all seemed to be doing phenomenally well adjusting to life post-college. I also had an illogical notion that I couldn’t express doubts in my future once I had started down a path. That I had to see one career through until retirement.

In a new city with few close friends, I felt very isolated. It seemed like there was no one else who was questioning life or having difficulties with transitioning from college. I had a hard time making friends in the city I moved to. For the first few months after graduation, I sincerely didn’t think I would be truly as content as I had been in college, no matter where my life ended up. I decided if I was doomed to unhappiness forever, I might as well be unhappy in a place without terrible traffic.

The answer is less simple than simply my discontent with my surroundings, though. My entire worldview changed during my last year of college. I was exposed to drastically different perspectives in college that radically changed my beliefs. Today, I’m happy to have my own unique worldview. Part of that transition, though, was wanting to take bigger risks and explore the world. This goes back a bit to the “life-changing” part of the answer. I believe I grew a tremendous amount in college (like most people, I assume) and I constantly crave that feeling again. Traveling, to me, is the easiest way to completely change a person. Hence, a big part of my decision is because I believe being immersed in a foreign culture will be a life-changing experience.

Where does that leave me?

Confused. That’s the short answer. I still find myself falling into the trap of believing everyone feels content and perfectly happy in what they do. I still occasionally feel envious of the seemingly straight-forward lives other people live. I’m still waiting to feel like I’ve found my calling, even though I’m scared that moment will never come.

As I reflect on my year post-college, I am surprisingly content. I have a clearer picture of who I am as a person, I’ve made some new friends, and I’ve had experiences I never dreamed I would. While my path is not as clear as most people I know, it’s the only path I would ever want to be on.